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Changing Man by CharStar
Saturday, August 29th, 2009 | 9 Comments
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“A woman dates a man, hoping he’ll change; A man dates a woman, hoping she never will.”
Thought provoking? Yes. I think so.
Men are averse to change. They don’t like it, they get set in their ways and unless they have a really compelling reason to do so, they are not going to change
Ladies, how many of you have dated a man because he had ‘potential’…or you thought that with some “work” he would be the most perfect boyfriend ever? Guilty as charged. And you and I both know we were disappointed in the end. Ultimately, it comes down to things you’re willing to compromise on and things you’re just not. Men are averse to change. They don’t like it, they get set in their ways and unless they have a really compelling reason to do so, they are not going to change. I know, it’s a hard pill to swallow, but there’s no point in beating around the bush about it. You have to decide if the things that he’s not willing to change are life altering, relationship ruining things.
For example: If your man cheats on you and is a compulsive cheater obviously that’s not something you want to put up with for an extended period of time. This is what we call “uncompromisable.” But if your man, say, leaves the toilet seat up all the time or can’t seem to call when he says he will this could be something you’re willing to compromise on, or can also be referred to as “compromisable.” Over the course of several long term relationships, I’ve learned what I’m willing to compromise on and what I’m just not.
Women also need to take a step back and think about whether or not their requests / expectations are realistic. Yes, we’re typically more emotional than our male counterparts which means we have to be extra objective when evaluating our own expectations. Your request that he call you every 10 minutes – not realistic. You expecting him to call when he says he will – more realistic. You expecting him to call on your birthday – a no brainer. I’m not saying you should settle, but you have to figure out what works for you and what’s realistic to another human. I typically find myself asking my close guy-friends if my expectations are reasonable. Guys will tell you like it is, that’s for sure.
In my opinion, it’s not that men can’t change. It’s that they just don’t want to. In the DMV there is an abundance of single, beautiful, successful women; and sadly, not an abundance of single, handsome, successful men (No offense fellas, I’m sure you’re out there). Men sincerely believe that if you don’t want to put up with their shenanigans, there is another woman that will (This goes double for supremely attractive men…but they are typically really egotistical and think their stuff doesn’t stink … but I digress …). A man will not change unless he wants to. And you wanting him to does not equal him wanting to.
The long and short of it is – men won’t change unless they have a really good reason to. Women must learn to compromise on some things and pick their battles. Again, I’m not saying you should settle. Think about what you deem ‘compromisable’ vs. ‘uncompromisable’ and go from there. If you find the right guy, you may be able to tweak a couple things here and there…just don’t be naive enough to believe that every man you date will want to change for you. No matter what they say, how convincing they are; if a man tells you that he wants to change for you, he’s a boldfaced liar. He’s got to want to change for him first. J
I’ll tackle the 2nd half of the opening quote in 2 weeks. Come back and check it out then. Comments and criticism are welcome and appreciated.
9 Comments »
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This is so true, and I 100% agree. Men are only going to change for themselves, whereas woman understand what will make or break a relationship, and will change if need be…for the relationship sak. not saying we’re easily changeable, but if we see the relationship is worth fighting for, we’ll make changes if need be, but then man wont budge.
Comment by Monique Wilson — August 30, 2009 @ 2:01 pm
So what have you learned? I was waiting to read what YOU’d compromise on and what is uncompromisable. You gotta share to make it real!
Comment by Damon Huntq — September 1, 2009 @ 3:14 pm
But that man was the same man you got with in the first place. If you wanted another model should have got a different car….
Comment by Ralphie B. — September 1, 2009 @ 3:56 pm
Mo- at least we’re on the same page … :)
Damon- see, you went and ruined my next post!! :) just kidding – thanks so much for the feedback, I plan on covering that in my next post – stay tuned! I’m pretty long winded and I’m trying to keep my posts down in the word count :p
Ralph- ok, so its not so much that I wanted another “model” … I’d compare it to wanting some added features (conveniences) like heated seats, a sunroof, park assist etc. You can always improve on the base model if you have the bandw
idth (in the car analogy bandwidth is synonymous with $$, and in the man example its synonymous with time / effort) ya dig lol
Comment by Charlene — September 1, 2009 @ 9:49 pm
Great blog char! And while I agree with most everything (preach!) it can also be said that women are unlikely candidates for change as well. I think of the relationships where I was overly accommodating and willing to do pretty much anything to keep us together and well, I was the most miserable I think I had ever been. People are who they are, and to change that for someone else is 1. not happening 2. if it is happening, i’m sure you’re exhausted by now. Being able to just be yourself is sooo much more fulfilling.
Looking forward to part 2 of this!
xoxo, nic.
Comment by Nicole — September 2, 2009 @ 8:22 am
The only way to get a guy to change is that HE HAS TO WANT TO.
This can happen by either:
1) He’s so desperate for a gf he’ll do whatever it takes.
2) He really digs you and is mature enough to know that he has to make compromises to make it work. (good luck finding this guy)
If a guy is NOT changing no matter how well you communicate to him, then bottom line is he doesn’t care enough to. Yeah, he may really “value the relationship” but he figures he can still get a way with the same-old and not lose you.
If it’s come to the point where he won’t change even if losing you is on the line, then you gotta cut that off. Unless you’re the desperate one for a bf lol.
Comment by T-I-P — September 3, 2009 @ 1:25 pm
Charlene- So True. With most of it. Women are often willing to change for the relationship becasue we know thats what it takes. Men are hard headed. But I have to agree with RalphieB. We know what we are getting into at the beginning. We have to either accept it or move on. Its like men who date more than one women but never offer an exclusive relationship. We know they are not being exclusive yet we get mad when they date other females.
Comment by SMDH — September 3, 2009 @ 1:43 pm
I like this blog alot. This site is really starting to turn into something great. The relationship blog is very interesting and gives me a lot of incite to my daily routines with my girlfriend and females in general.
I definitely agree with T-I-P and Charlene. Guys will only change if we feel the need to. If you’re that person deserving of a man to change for you then you’re a) lucky and/or b) the one for him. In order to really make a guy change you must change for him, basically saying that you must be everything to him. You have to somewhat make yourself irreplaceable, that’s the only way he’ll see your worth and want to make changes to keep you.
Just my 2 cents.
Keep up the great work Charlene.
P.S. This site is great, minus the so called “Savvy Centerfolds”
Comment by Jim — September 4, 2009 @ 9:58 am
I like this blog. Just a few thoughts…in discussions like these it always seems like women have to do all the work. For instance, why should women have to live of up to some man’s expectation of “irreplaceable” or “worth changing for” etc? Why should women have to hold their breath hoping some man finds them worth while committing to long term? eh, I’ll pass everytime (always the rebellious one). So men get to shop around and make returns if product doesn’t live up to expectations? Sounds like such a double standard.
Comment by Whitney — December 6, 2009 @ 1:21 am