STOP WATCHING TELEVISION

2009 is coming to an end and many of you are still begrudgingly searching for ‘The One’. Half of you will find them, the other half will find yourselves lonely for another year. Here’s why…..

Fellas:

Stop watching television! From the moment you popped out of the womb, you’ve been told that you’re a fornicating dog. You have absolutely no control over anything below your waist, and will jump on the quickest easiest piece of ass you can find at a moment’s notice. Half of you fell for this bullshit. This is the half I’m addressing. The other half are men with self-control. Having self-conrol doesn’t mean that you don’t cheat on your significant other, it just means that in the event that you decide to do so, it will be just that; a DECISION. A conscious, calculated decision. You’re told that men don’t think. Thinking’s for PUNKS! All real men care about are money, alcohol, sex, and professional sports (if you’re a black man, insert god-awful commercial rap). We’ll refer to this population as the “The Lost One’s.” The Lost One’s suppress all their emotions until one day they pop. This “pop” could manifest itself as an assault on a stranger for stepping on your shoe (my personal favorite), or bullying and beating up your wife and children. Either way you do irreparable damage to yourself and others. The Lost One’s go from woman to woman, planting seeds of fear and doubt, dominating weaker individuals so they can see themselves as strong. After being abused in countless ways, when your woman finally decides to retaliate the best way she knows, you call her a hoe. Any chance or hope of establishing a meaningful relationship is sabotaged by your own actions and then you’re off to the next victim.

As far as the Lost One’s are concerned, we’ve only covered a portion of their population. The rest of these losers absolutely worship the female species. They give real men a bad name by subjecting themselves to endless hours of their significant other’s bullshit. Let’s get something straight. You, me, and everyone we know have a certain amount of bullshit running through our veins. What we need in our spouse (men and women alike) is someone who will check us on it. Punks never check their woman’s bullshit. They allow it to run rampant while their woman is of bragging to her girlfriends about how she gets everything she wants. If you’re a Lost One, you know it. BE A MAN GOTDAMNIT! YOU WALK THIS EARTH AT YOUR WILL! If you’re not going to be the master of your domain, then get the fuck out the way and give somebody else a chance. So for all Lost One’s reading this, MAN UP! Act like you have some type of control in your life. Stop hurting those that don’t deserve it and the next time your woman is going off on you for forgetting to add fabric softener to her whites, just tell her to “Cut the bullshit!”

Ladies:

Stop watching television! From the moment you popped out of the womb, you’ve been bombarded with fairy tales, movies, television shows and magazine articles all pumping you up on a bunch of bullshit; that women are all-knowing, perfect little angels made up of “sugar, spice and everything nice,” who not only deserve, but require any and all treasures this galaxy has to offer. Half of you fell for this bullshit. This is the half I’m addressing. We’ll call these ladies the “Perfect Little Princesses.” The other half are women grounded in reality who understand that women can be just as dumb, deceptive and flawed as men. Perfect Little Princesses grew up to find that they weren’t the all-powerful Sheroes they once thought they’d become. They still believe however that it is their job to be showered with gifts and luxuries. After all, they deserve the best, and the best is a man with “power” who can afford to win them over materially. It goes without saying, Perfect Little Princesses can be quite expensive; they always need something new. As a general rule of thumb, the happier you are, the less shit you need to buy. It’s not an exact science, but for the most part, happy people have real hobbies and would never consider shopping to be one of them. If you’re proud of the fact that it costs a grip to date you, stop stroking your ego. You don’t have expensive tastes, you’re just shallow and no man will be able to purchase you some depth.

Furthermore, women have been told repeatedly that any man who really loves you will put up with your sporadic, irrational and emotional outbursts because women aren’t logical thinkers and the man who truly loves you will understand that. So what do those of you do who fell for this load of bull? You test him. You have his punk ass jumping through hurdles like he’s Carl fuckin Lewis. This will almost certainly end in one of three ways; A) He grows tired of putting up with your nonsense, leaves, and you chalk it up to him not being “man-enough” for you. B) He finally proves to you that he’s willing to do and put up with anything to win you over. After all, men love a good chase. Months later, he realizes that while he was putting in so much work to prove that he’s good enough for you, all you did was sit back and look pretty. He forgets what interested him about you in the first place and begins to resent you. And lastly C) You grow tired of his punk ass waiting on you hand and foot, and you drop him to find the next better deal. No one wants to share their bed with the equivalent of an indentured servant. Whatever happened to being “equals?” A punk will never be able to make you happy and the second you realize you’re tired of his punk ass, however many years it is later, you’ll leave.

Never fear, control freaks. You’ll always have your ace-in-the-hole; The power of the P-U-S-S-Y. When all else fails, you can control him with sex. Right? WRONG! Television would have us believe that all men can be controlled by holding sex over our heads. We’ll lie, appease and grovel for it like dogs. How many times on television have we seen a completely castrated man walk out of his own bedroom with his tail tucked between his legs, while some angry woman hurls a pillow at him? What do you think “Sleep on the couch” means? It means you gets no ass tonight……unless you apologize and do what I want of course. Ladies, if you take nothing away from this article, please remember this; one sure-fire way to get cheated on is to attempt to make your man feel like he has no control over his sex life. It will backfire on you every time. I don’t know who told you that ‘coochie’ is in short supply, but trust and believe it’s not an endangered species, and you most certainly aren’t the only woman who has one.

The biggest hurdle for men and women in the upcoming year will be to stop falling for people for shallow reasons. We fall in love (or at least we think we do) with people for factors they themselves had absolutely nothing to do with; like body parts, hair, last names and outfits. We chase people and spend years in relationships with folks we probably aren’t even supposed to be friends with, and then have the nerve to act surprised when it doesn’t work out. Ladies and Gentlemen, love yourself. Love is the answer to all the bullshit the media pumps us up with. Loving yourself eliminates any emotional need you may have to control others. The not-so-ugly truth is that marriage is not for everyone. Some of us are so catastrophically fucked up that marriage would only provide us with the stage to exacerbate our baggage and insecurities. For those of us who are fortunate (depending on how you look at it) enough to have marriage in our cards, a successful marriage begins with love for yourself. Without it, you can spend decades playing your part in a charade doomed for failure. Good luck in the upcoming year, and don’t waste your time trying to find Mr./Mrs. Right. When all the cards fall into place, they will find you.

Take Care of Yourself. One Luv